I posted these orginally in February, 2008. Time for a revisit I think, as I've seen a lot more movies this year, and intend to see even more, more regularly.
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM AMERICAN MOVIES
10. My car will always appear freshly-washed.
9. If I pick up a ringing phone and no-one says anything, I should probably not spend half an hour saying "Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?" (k... that sounded a bit sarcy!)
8. My grocery purchases of the day will all fit into one fairly light, brown paper bag.
7. Apparently it's cool to drop everything and dance around with inter-generational family members to 50's rock classics.
6. No matter how long it takes me and my fellow FBI agent to save the world, we'll never have to stop to pee, sleep or have a snack. Oh - we might have to sleep, as long as the evil guy is on roof, about to sneak in with the machete.
5. When I fall in love, I will suddenly spend an inordinate amount of time with my new mate roller-blading, walking along a beach, jogging, washing his dog, cycling, and having pillow fights.
4. My children will appear to be channelling smart-mouthed, stand-up comedians.
3. That if I have suffered an affliction and need to retreat from the world for a while, that I shouldn't rent a magnificent house on the shores of a lake, especially just after fall leaves have gone and before the snow arrives... oh, and especially one in which something a tad disturbing recently happened.
2. A spontaneous bonking session with my impossibly-handsome new boyfriend will never be marred by thoughts, of "Fuck, I didn't shave my legs... plus I think there are knickers on the bathroom floor."
1. If the police have just left saying "There's nothing to worry about now ma'am", I should not proceed to take a shower.
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING NON-AMERICAN MOVIES
10. My car will be impossibly small.
9. If my phone rings, I will just turn and watch it until it stops, as I lean against the window jam, smoking a gauloise.
8. I won't ever spend time grocery-shopping. Instead, I will be seen spending most of my time cooking in my impossibly small kitchen and then having endless, graphic, all-nekkid sex among the leeks and baguettes.
7. Family? What family?
6. Jean Reno will terrorize me, seduce me, and then buy me a black leather coat, by which time we will have forgotten which evil nemesis we are fighting.
5. When I fall in love with Colin Firth, we will hurl affectionate profanities at each other and eat fish and chips after the concert, gazing at each other in the unflattering light of a naked lightbulb.
4. Children? What children?
3. My flat will be impossibly small and in need of a good paint job.
2. Knickers on the floor (especially granny pants) will never be a deterrent for my lover (Colin Firth).
1. If the police have just left saying "There's nothing to worry about now miss", I should proceed to take a shower... with Colin Firth.